What is Romance?

Some dream of it, some aspire to it, most have forgotten it, some think it no longer exists but what exactly is romance and what part does it play in a healthy loving relationship?

My own interpretation of romance is that it is a selfless and unsolicited act of love done solely for the pleasure and enjoyment of the person it is done for without expectation of compensation of any form. Thus romance can take many forms from the simple romantic gesture (ex: a note slipped into a lunchbox saying “Have a good day Honey, I love you”), to more extravagant gestures of romance (ex: a moonlight cruise).

Though seduction and romance go hand in hand, they are not the same thing although they can easily be mistaken for one another at times. Seduction is manipulative and goal oriented. Often the goal is sexual in nature and should the seduction fail to achieve the intimacy that was the goal, the seducer feels cheated and their self-esteem suffers. A romantic on the other hand is never disappointed in his result as long as the object of his attention is pleased with his effort. Compensation, sexual or otherwise is not expected and therefore if it is not given in return the romantic is not disappointed.

Romance itself, it’s techniques, it’s methods, it’s selflessness are not something that you can buy. It is not something you can teach yourself, get instant results from and them put away. A true romantic exhibits a lifestyle that cannot be copied and each romantic has his (or her) own style. Try to copy it and you are doomed to failure. But all is not lost, anyone can be a romantic but it takes time and a change of attitude. You must learn to place your love above yourself, to have them always in your thoughts, to think of doing something to please them occasionally just because you love them, to grab hold of that spark that happens when you first meet and NEVER let go. Then and only then will you will know the real joys of love and being loved...

Romeo & Juliette's Rules to Argue By

1. Never jump your partner unexpectedly, they may have had a bad day and you blindsiding them may be the last straw. Instead, say in a non-aggressive voice, “Honey, I have something I need to talk about when you have a few minutes”. This prepares them for a discussion and they know in advance you will not be setting out to attack them. Use of the term of endearment says “I may have a problem with you but I still love you”. If they don’t respond in a reasonable time, try a gentle reminder such as “Honey, I know you may have other things on your mind but this is really important to me, I need you to talk to me and help me with this”.

2. Block out all external distractions such as TV, radio, kids, etc. When you discuss something and your attention is divided, so is your perception and understanding. Your partner may think you do not take them or their problem seriously and become resentful and or angry. Give and expect full attention. You both deserve that.

3. Pick a neutral area for your argument / discussion, a place where you both feel comfortable and can look directly at one another, kitchen tables work fine. If it may be a long discussion or an involved one have a cup of coffee and the materials to make your case handy. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THIS BE DONE IN ANY AREA THAT IS A SANCTUARY. ESPECIALLY THE BEDROOM !!!!!!! Doing so will “taint” that area.

4. The person who asked for the discussion should go first. They should remind the other person that the reason for the discussion is not to attack them or to affix blame but to find a mutually agreeable solution to a problem that has surfaced and that they need the other person’s help in order to solve it.

5. The initiator should then, in a clear voice, lay out their case while the other person listens, interrupting only with a request to clarify an item or occurrence. When the initiator is finished, the other person gets an opportunity to comment, again without interruption except for clarification. THIS IS NOT A REBUTTAL ! Even if only one person thinks a situation is a problem, it is still a problem. If you trivialize another persons problem you are trivializing them.

6. Continue the discussion back and forth until all viewpoints have been discussed on both sides. If the discussion at any point becomes heated, stop there and cool off. Then begin again calmly.

7. After all points of view are heard, it is time for both people to discuss a plan for solving the problem. It has to be a solution they can both live with and therefore they have to arrive at the conclusion and implement it together or it will never work. On more complicated problems the plan should be written down and kept as a reminder to the commitments each person made to solving the problem.

8. End each argument on a high note. Hug and kiss your partner to reassure them that you still love them, hold no ill feelings and are ready to work with them as a partner on solving the problem.